My name is Margie and I am a survivor. This is my story of healing from wounds caused by trauma and betrayal.

I was sexually abused by my father my entire childhood, acting as surrogate wife and trying to protect my younger sisters, with my mother looking the other way. Also as a child and teenager I was abused in cult activities, both inter-generational and local church-related. My natural instincts of fight or flight were obliterated. That left me with one other option, shock, to which I creatively adapted.

I existed in a state of shock like a deer caught in headlights, the soul that was born into my body always in deep hiding, terrified of taking a step in any direction. I unconsciously lived in a quagmire of indecision, blaming others for my unhappiness. I coped with horrific trauma by fragmenting my psyche. I somehow picked up cues from those around myself, acted normal to the world, was able to be a chameleon. My defense of dissociation continued into adulthood even in seemingly minor situations where I felt afraid, my already overwhelmed nervous system pushed to the brink of endurance.

The shame of what I had endured and participated in, without running from or fighting the adults in charge, clouded most moments of my adult life. I felt contaminated, dirty, not worthy of letting anyone get to know me. I wanted to be seen, to be able to express myself, but at the same time I hated any eyes on me, believing that if others only knew the real me they would be disgusted.Continue Reading